


if's and maybe's

by pistachiosoda



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Family, Gen, Introspection, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 15:03:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18704737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pistachiosoda/pseuds/pistachiosoda
Summary: You don't know the exact moment it happened. Maybe if you were more careful, more considerate, it wouldn’t have happened. But ever since the barrier broke and you left the underground, your life has been like an unstoppable hurricane. You never got the chance to be careful or considerate anymore.Chara leaves Frisk behind.





	if's and maybe's

You don't know the exact moment it happened. Maybe if you were more careful, more considerate, it wouldn’t have happened. But ever since the barrier broke and you left the underground, your life has been like an unstoppable hurricane. You never got the chance to be careful or considerate anymore.

 

The first meeting between the humans and monsters were disastrous to put it lightly. Humankind, after growing so complacent with its solidarity, did not react kindly to the monsters returning above ground. The people you know, who were already comfortable to call you dead, reacted with fear instead of joy when you came back holding Toriel’s hand.

 

People pelted rocks at your windows so often that it was hard to sleep until Alphys reinforced them and made it soundproof. Human paparazzi would swarm over every monster they catch in public, and Asgore ordered the royal guards to escort monsters around town.

 

But slowly, but gradually, it all stopped. Society rekindles and the species begrudging come to accept each other's presence once again. You started to go to school again. You started living again.

 

It was hard to figure out where Chara fitted into this equation.

 

Being an apparition, they don't have any power over anything aside from providing snarky commentary in your stead. They really loved to talk, huh. But even then, with so many people coming by and wanting to meet you, their words got lost in the crowd until you forget they were even standing there. You think you were just so used to their presence that it felt like no one was even there.

 

Sometimes you would notice them from the corner of your eyes, and they'd be staring off into space. Not upset or sad, just spacing out. And you wouldn't say a word, giving them the silence they respected.

 

As the years passed, you grew up. Since you were taller now, Toriel let you help around the house. People stopped calling you a kid, but now, a "teen".

 

Chara, being robbed of life, never changed.

 

You never noticed how small their frame is standing next to you. It's not like you had photographs of you and Chara standing next to each other as children, but you remembered them taller, more grown-up than you could ever be. But now they barely reached your hip standing still.

 

You never noticed, but perhaps they did. They stopped walking and flew everywhere instead. They always floated higher than you, further out of reach. Maybe it's the one thing they had full control of and they clung onto it desperately.

 

It's easy to speak of if's and maybe's since you never fully understood Chara's way of thinking. They never let you to, hiding their true feelings under layers and layers of fake smiles and jokes. It doesn't mean you never tried, you really, really tried so many times, but they just deflected every genuine attempt at a heartfelt emotional brain-communication. So now looking back, the best you can do is guess.

 

And now they are gone.

 

You forgot the exact moment they stopped joining in the conversation, speaking over you, sometimes so fast that you thought they might trip over their words (they never did). It was only when you realised the deafening silence of a conversation, barring the idiosyncratic nature of that feeling, did you start to look for them again.

 

You looked everywhere, including up to the sky, in case they floated so high up that you couldn't find them. You looked in your bedroom, in your classroom, in their favourite hole in the wall coffee shop. You even went back to Mount Ebott in your desperation, you refused to believe they’d vanish like that.

 

But by that point, they were already gone.

 

Chara Dreemurr left your life as quietly as when they entered it.

 

You wished they'd make a loud, dramatic goodbye speech with their usual overbearing attitude, and you'd sob as you give them a hug goodbye as they sparkle-fade away. You wish they said goodbye. You wished you got to say goodbye. You couldn’t believe they would just leave without a word.

 

So you sobbed and hugged Toriel instead. Your mom, worried but not fully understanding the situation, thinking Chara was an imaginary friend you made up and consoled you as such. You didn't bother to clarify, not wanting to break both your hearts more.

 

You believe, the worst part of it all, is having no memento to remember them by. No records of your shared experience, no photographs, no videos. Some days you wondered if you really just hallucinated them for the past 10 years. No, you think, they were there, and they helped you, they were real.

 

You hold onto the locket you found in their bedroom, but you knew it isn’t supposed to be in your hands. It is a gift for Chara, from Asriel instead, not you. It has no business being with you, an outsider that forcefully entered the narrative.

 

But it is the only thing you have left of Chara Dreemurr, the person, so it goes back on over your neck, close to your heart.

 

You wear the heart locket everywhere now. Mom and dad looked pained when they first saw it again after a long time, but no one said anything about it. They let you be, and you are grateful for it.

 

The weight of your locket soon became so constant you forgot it was there too. It is just a part of your existence, and you forget about it, despite how it thumps against your chest when you walk or sways from side to side as you move your head. But on the night of your speech as a representative of the monster community, do you feel the weight of it again.

 

Toriel insists you dressed up for such an event and you don’t get a word in before she shoves a fancy outfit your way. The stiff fabric is uncomfortable and hard to move in, so you opted to stand still instead. Your fidgeting hands find their way to the locket once again, clasping onto it like a lifeline. It has helped you stay grounded in high-stress situations, much like the real Chara used to do. Sure, It can’t say any funny quips about how you’re definitely overdressing or how other speakers are so bad at getting their point across, but it’s just as comforting.

 

When you reached the podium, you look at the crowd, scanning every faces you can see in that few seconds. And suddenly your world stops. The locket falls from your grasp, thumping against your chest once more, but now with an intense weight that was not there previously. It nearly knocks your breath out.

 

Chara.

 

You see Chara in the crowd.

 

Your body moved before any rational thought can be formed. You jumped off the stage, landing awkwardly and staggering your way towards the familiar child. The crowd parts like sea waves, making way for you.

 

Chara? They are so small now, you didn’t realise you grew so tall. They looked the same, with short brown hair and flushed pink cheeks. The same… but different. As you look closer, you realise how unfamiliar they are. They are wearing a red sweater instead of the usual green and their eyes is a deep blue colour. They are clinging onto an adult, hiding from your intense gaze, obviously uncomfortable with this situation.

 

It isn’t Chara, you realize. It can never be Chara, you emphasized, practically bolding and underlining the thought.

 

Chara is gone, after all.

 

(You apologize to the strangers and return the way you came.)

 

(Your speech doesn’t turn out great, but you tried your best.)

 

.

 

You see them everywhere now. But you don’t get used to it, it’s just as painful and frustrating every time. The universe seemed set to remind you that they were gone in every means possible. If it wasn’t enough, occasionally you’ll have dreams about them, and you would wake up, disoriented and pillow soaked with tears.

 

It has gotten to the point the other monsters noticed your condition, but you can never be able to find the words to explain it. After all, there is no good way to say ‘I’m mourning for my brain-ghost maybe imaginary friend’ eloquently. The monsters visit your house more and spend more time hanging around you, in an obvious attempt to cheer you up. It helps, but it doesn’t at the same time.

 

You don’t know how long this period of time lasted, you honestly lost count by now. Every day you walk in a sleepless dream, haunted by visions of the if’s and maybe’s.

 

And it is in this daze that you returned to Ebott, similar to how the first time you ever arrived. You feel compelled to jump, knowing there is a soft flower landing, knowing that you’ll survive the fall, but decided to take the long route down instead.

 

Over the years, the flowers had become overgrown, covering every inch of the ground by now. As you wade through the foliage, careful not to step onto any flower, you feel comforted by the fact the flowers are thriving in the depth of this cavern. It’s a sign someone is still meticulously tending to them.

 

And there he is, at the end of the corridor, near the stone pillars. You don’t bother to say hello, since he turns your way almost immediately, without any words needed.

 

Living in a world where constants are a thing of a past, your heart wrenches oddly when Flowey looks the same as the day you fell.

 

“Frisk?” He speaks first. His words are not laced with any trace of malice, but just genuinely curious. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

 

You smile sheepishly and shake your head.

 

You tell him about life on the surface at length, about mom and dad and how they are adapting to their new life. You tell him about mom’s school and dad’s meticulously maintained garden. You apologise to him for not visiting more often. You pause and hesitated for a bit before telling him about your life, and finally, about Chara. Flowey does not interrupt and listened intently to every word you speak, his expression hard to read.

 

You beat around the bush a bit before asking him about his experience with losing his best friend, and how he dealt with it. He doesn’t respond immediately but thought about it for a few seconds, gaze turned low to the ground. You brace yourself for the response, but you already know what it is already.

 

After all, you are experiencing it first-hand.

 

“It never got easier.”

 

And for a while, none of you speaks of anything. But it is hard to breathe for you, and you struggled to stay quiet. You let yourself sob, burying your face in your hands like you are a child again. Flowey doesn’t mock you but watches on sympathetically. You feel a vine rests on your back, the best version of a hug he can recreate in this form. Instead of feeling comforted by the gesture, it made you more emotional as you choke back your tears, crying even louder now.

 

The hug is different from the one Toriel gave you back then. It’s not as warm or as stifling, but Flowey -- Asriel understands where you are coming from, fully.

 

“But one day we will learn how to let go.” He continued.

 

You understand. One day you’ll learn how to let go, just like how Chara did. But for now you hold onto his grasp and you both cry.


End file.
